Lamont Diaries continued.
Lamont Combats Local Crime Wave
This morning, at 0 dark 30, Lamont snuck up on me snoring peacefully, deep in sleep under the covers, and blew reveille on his bugle in my ear.
"Get up! Time for your walk!," he barked, already dressed in his golf outfit and walking shoes, holding his walking stick and my leash.
I grumbled and muttered, gave him the evil eye and pleaded, and pulled the blanket over my head trying to escape the insufferably perky mutt.
Lamont placed the bugle again around his big snout and gave another blast of the foghorn in my ear, making clear he wasn't going to cease his obnoxious behavior until he had my full cooperation.
I quickly surrendered, acknowledging Lamont had superior asymmetrical firepower, and was attached to my leash.
Lamont with one eye always on the bad guys
Barely allowed time to clothe myself, I stumbled out behind Lamont, who immediately assumed the brisk pace of a confident trot, eager to take in the fresh air of a brand new day on the mean streets of Washington, D.C.
There is a crime wave underway in Lamont's neighborhood, and he was eager to go on patrol and ensure the security perimeter of his area of operation was fortified and intact so His People were safe.
Lamont, the nationally recognized volunteer freelance security consultant, has a keen nose for trouble.
There have been three serious armed robberies and assault and batteries against humans within a few blocks of Lamont's HQ this week, and he isn't pleased with this ominous development.
So Lamont wiggled and whistled, sniffed and peed down the streets of Capitol Hill in the pre-dawn hours, poked his head into alleyways, and made a spectacle of himself whenever anyone crossed his path, offering unsolicited smooches and loud whimpering, unconcerned about his own personal safety.
Or mine, come to think of it.
Lamont is convinced that the loud visible presence of a vehicle of love and goodness, such as himself, will surely keep people on their best behavior through sheer guilt.
And he has a proven track record of disarming the evil that lurks in the heart of man, and bring out the smooches that yearn to break free in even the most jaded of humans.
When a black SUV with tinted windows, rap music blaring, slowly drove towards us, Lamont scowled and went on alert, ears perked, body rigid, fixing his gaze on the suspicious intruders.
The vehicle slowed to a stop under the hum and haze of city streetlights, the window rolling down. "Hey, what's up, pal? You are up awfully early, full of energy," said the young man.
He was talking to Lamont.
Lamont let out a friendly yelp of greeting. Then Lamont barked, and the man turned down the music.
Lamont offered a sincere wiggle of approval for lowering the volume on the intrusive noise pollution, and the man smiled, and drove on.
We continued surveying the environs, and all was quiet, satisfying Lamont that His People were safe.
The only other vehicle on the road was a city police patrol car, whose occupants expressed relief and gratitude when they saw Lamont was on duty, knowing their job was made easier.
"Morning, buster. Everyone behaving themselves this morning," said the overworked peace officer.
Lamont tried to look suave and authoritative, and confidently wagged his tail.
I didn't even bother, since after all, I was standing on the sidewalk on a leash, holding Lamont's poop bag,
The canine crime fighter, satisfied, then agreed we could return to base.
"Sorry, Nate," Lamont belatedly apologized for disrupting my sleep and morning. "Sometimes, you have to put the interest of others and the community ahead of your own."
Then Lamont insisted on a cookie to regain some of the energy exerted as a public service.
While he waited for me, on the couch, to prepare his breakfast, and took a well deserved nap. ■