Lamont Appointed North Korean Peace Envoy

The Lamont Diaries continued:

August 26

Lamont Appointed North Korean Peace Envoy

BREAKING NEWS: NEW DETAILS EMERGE ON LAMONT'S BOLD NORTH KOREA PEACE INITIATIVE

My pal, Lamont, the swashbuckling Nelson Mandela like peacemaker of his species, recently grabbed international headlines when he announced earlier this month a snap election in North Korea and declared his candidacy for Grand Poobah in a selfless effort to solve the long vexing crisis in the world's biggest Knucklehead nation that has flummoxed world leaders and the planet's most seasoned diplomats for decades.

Lamont rocketed to world cult status at the time when he released his groundbreaking research findings that the nut of the North Korean problem is North Korea is the only nation on the planet which has no dogs.

Because they have eaten all the Lamont's.

Lamont's campaign slogan is: "Two smooches a day on every couch by 2013!! (Plus a couch)"

Now the United Nation's and the Properly Organized World have confirmed Lamont's groundbreaking research and launched an emergency appeal for massive international intervention to bring closure to what they called "The world's longest continuous Migraine Headache."

The United Nations has issued an urgent appeal for the immediate mass airlift of 24 million dogs to address the humanitarian disaster.

According to findings jointly released today by the World Health Organization, the Center for Disease Control, and the Global Coalition of every Group on the Planet that Employs Rational Logic, virtually the entire population of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea suffers from alarming deficiencies in universally accepted guidelines for Minimum Daily Requirement of Smooches (MDRS).

Leading experts say the primary health effects of long term deficiency in MDRS are mass insanity, grave threats to international stability and security, and, if left untreated, nuclear conflict

United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said in a press conference that "It is time we put North Korea out of our misery—uh, I mean it is necessary the world intervenes to help avert further suffering of the North Korean people."

Many medical and diplomatic experts privately fear controlling the epidemic may be too late as evidence shows Irreversible Severe Loopiness Syndrome (ISLS), the late-stage brain disease resulting from chronic MDRS deficiency, now affects the entire senior government leadership.

Primary symptoms of ISLS are absurd delusions of grandiosity, nuclear weaponized hostility based on irrational fear, and diplomatic duplicity.

Other secondary symptoms include pathological levels of dishonesty that is transparently obvious poppycock, secrecy, believing that building amusement parks are a substitute for feeding the population, making stuff up in general when things don't look real good on paper, and lying about ones golf prowess.

The UN Secretary General made his announcement after an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council voted unanimously to support the initiative. China abstained.

The UN Secretary General said "Of course universal consensus is that Lamont will coordinate the global effort. He has everybody's full confidence and the authority to do whatever he sees fit."

Lamont couldn't be reached for comment. His aides said he was busy playing with his tennis ball in the park and then, after snacking on cookies, would be taking a nap.

Advisers confided privately Lamont was unavailable for comment mainly because he doesn't say anything because he can't talk. But they note that is historically consistent with Pyongyang's rulers, the previous one going 19 years uttering only 7 words.

Lamont is believed to be only four months old. But, despite his youthfulness, he meets the minimum age requirements for assuming the top post of the isolated Hermit Kingdom, analysts say, pointing to the current dictator as an example.

His team of advisers says Lamont is a boy of remarkable humility they attribute to being found abandoned in a trash dump in an obscure corner of rural Mexico in April, 2012. Which analysts note is more than is accurately known of the of the current ruler. Plus it is true, unlike the fanciful mythology of the birth origins of all Pyongyang's previous dictators.

Emergency humanitarian aid organizations say an epidemic of historic proportions may spread to the remaining population, who they say are all under immediate grave threat unless an immediate mass canine airlift to avert worsening of the already unprecedented humanitarian crisis is undertaken immediately.

Lamont, like other world celebrities Bono, Cher, Pele, Snooki and Madonna, uses just one name.

As a result of what the UN Secretary General called "Lamont's genius and out-of-the-box creative thinking", the selfless internationalist and cross species public servant earlier this month declared a snap special election and offered himself as a candidate for North Korean Supreme Leader.

The official title is Grand Poobah, which Lamont thought up himself. ■