Anti Lamont Grassroots Movement Growing Amongst Washington Masses: Clueless Mutt remains Unrepentant and Dismissive
My pal, Lamont, despite a considerable loyal support base resulting from his considerable charm, infectious personality, unique pluck, innate intelligence and devastating good looks, appears to be developing an alarming and growing cabal of committed mobs of angry opponents.
The leading cadres mainly consist of a coalition of a small but fervent minority of other canines and their human companions, in league with a double digit and growing group of short humans under the age of eight.
The children are invariably represented by uniformly adamant, humorless, overprotective and vocal zealots who, not coincidentally, are the adult guardians–mainly the mothers–of the aforementioned youngsters.
Lamont showing off his most impressive physical feature
To be fair, in context, the young Lamont is widely adored by the majority of his canine pals and humans, who find him not only entertaining but possessing a self confidence and out of the box commitment to fully grabbing by the throat—sometimes not metaphorically–the fun factor of life whenever and however it presents itself.
For Lamont, life is essentially perfect.
I would guess he objects only on those rare occasions when the rest of the planet isn't solely focused on what he considers is the responsibility and life mission of all other living things: to give Lamont their full attention and compliance how, whenever, and in the manner he sees fit.
Other than these minor caveats, Lamont has near zero complaints.
And, in the main, other humans and canines have remarkably few objections to Lamont. Quite the opposite: Lamont has a reputation as a somewhat "Superdog", a canine caped crusader defending the unfettered pursuit of all that is good in life.
Lamont using his favoured tactic when feeling neglected.
But then there is what appears to be a growing flip-side of that narrative.
Regarding the canines, the highpoint of Lamont's life is his daily several hours in his beloved Abraham Lincoln park, honoring Lamont's personal role model, Abraham Lincoln, America's first gay, mentally ill, decidedly non traditionally physically attractive president. It is there Lamont romps finds kinship and frolics and chases and gets into mutually desired faux fisticuffs with a few dozen other canine regulars daily.
Lamont, it must be acknowledged, has a quirky and lopsided view of himself and life.
He appears to have no size issues.
All indications are he is unaware he is 8 inches tall, weighs less than an average Sunday newspaper, and looks rather ridiculously similar to an over-sized hot dog flanked on one end with a tail nearly as long as his trunk and, on the other end, a snout that comprises the larger portion of his head. In other words, Lamont has a proboscis and self worth which arguably exceeds in size and capability of his brain. Together this makes for little reason to strut about as confidently self assured and possessed based either on the basis of traditional good looks or physical intimidation.
But that does not seem to be a consideration for Lamont as evidenced by the manner he engages in routine social interaction.
To be honest, Lamont appears to have some issues with racially pure bred dogs. My guess is that he interprets them as possessing an illegitimate sense of superiority which he refuses to both ignore and cotton to.
In particular, he has a problem with Golden Retriever and Labrador puppies. There are three that are regulars at Lamont's Lincoln Park. He also has issues with a couple select highfalutin breeds who prance about like they deserve special recognition of superior heritage based on what appear to be alarmingly similar misperceived personality flaws of their human companions.
So Lamont beats them up. This has happened daily for nearly 6 months. Everyday.
Five canines in particular. This is in addition to his habit of sauntering over to their owners and nonchalantly peeing on their shoes. Despite the fact that the representatives in question of both species are several times his size and could subdue or neutralize Lamont by merely sitting on him.
Remarkably, the enemy mutts cower and retreat. But Lamont insists on making the same point to the same dogs every day. And their humans appear to have now exchanged their humiliation with organized protest.
"Can you tell me what time of day you usually come to the park with Lamont so I can avoid bringing my dog Sir Hubert the Third at those times? Lamont really makes it hard for Hubert to enjoy himself and I want him to be happy," said one human to me yesterday through a failed effort to hide her thinly veiled clenched teeth.
She was about as equally as snooty as her dog, who claims to be something called a Labradoodle–what appears to be a canine equivalent of a marketing trick–an attempt at a canine hybrid of a eco-friendly car and the vehicle of choice for steroid fueled, overpaid, hair gelled, medically artificially enhanced, military wannabe's–the Hummer.
But Lamont beats Hubert the Third up daily, apparently just to make some point. Actually, to be fully honest, several times a day. Actually, more accurately anytime the Aryan canine comes near Lamont.
Then there is the issue of young children, which is entirely different but elicits the same level of highly charged negative response. Lamont loves them–preferably between two and five years old, and his attraction extends from newborns in strollers to the ages of eight or nine.
When he spots one, he takes off at full gallop and insists on giving a full throttle demonstration of his self appointed camaraderie–usually while airborne, invariably flattening them on the concrete walkways, enveloped in Lamont's talented but ill applied tongue, and copious saliva.
Lamont being stubborn
Quite logically, the youngsters view these encounters as enemy assaults.
Even more uniformly, their mothers seem to think that the devil himself has their progeny in His evil grip and it is nothing short of a struggle between unmitigated evil and the very incarnation of all that is good and precious in life–their child.
To be fair, Lamont has downed in excess of two dozen human short people in Lincoln Park. So an identifiable trend is hard to deny.
This week, one approximately two and one half year old, spoke what may have been her first complete sentence as she and her unamused mother retreated.
For many minutes between shrieks of objection, she repeated over and over "I do not like that dog! I do not like that dog!" until her voice diminished as the family fled the park back to the protection of their home.
In another incident this week, Lamont tackled another child and, as I removed his grip from the prostrate youngster and attempted to apologize, the child's mother curtly interrupted me to remind me that Lamont had been the protagonist in a similar encounter days earlier of which I had, in honesty, lost track of. "When we got home last time this happened I found she had a bruised and swollen lip," she barked at me abruptly.
Unlike with Lamont's canine detractors, his encounters with young humans are entirely gestures of affection. It is just that Lamont's idea of a smooch is often the child ( and more ominously their mother's) idea of assault and battery.
I have had numerous talks with, and admonishments and scoldings of my pal, Lamont, trying to reeducate him, but to pretty much exactly zero effect.
Lamont really doesn't care, it seems. As far as I can tell, his current approach to life he thinks is just about perfect. And I have failed to come up with a strategy to change his views on this.
This could get very ugly, very quickly. I don't anticipate it will end well prior to it reaching a crisis I don't really care to envisage ■