The Lamont Diaries continued
June 11
My Pal, Lamont, Has a Way With the Ladies
My new pal, Lamont, has a way with the ladies. If Lamont was a rock star, there would be panties piled at his paws. He appears to have an innate magnetism, an ability to mesmerize attractive women, turning total strangers instantly into swooning lovesick suitors, offering endless smooches and affection in return for Lamont, well, just being Lamont.
I appear, however, to play the role of acceptable collateral to access the irresistible charisma and sensual appeal of Lamont, the equivalent of Lamont's Plain Jane friend, whose presence is tolerated as the price that has to be paid to bask in the glow of Lamont wiggling philosophically, exuding charm, and exchanging warmth.
Fortunately I don't do jealousy and am sufficiently smug to not let my ego feel resentment.
Plus Lamont thinks I am the greatest and we each get to bask in the others adulation and glow, so that makes me feel better.
But it has got me thinking: What is that secret ingredient, that special recipe, the secret code that Lamont has cracked which the rest of our gender spends a lifetime trying to decipher?: The express lane to a woman's heart.
Here are a few of Lamont's attributes I came up with:
1.Always looking at the bright side of life
2.sincere
3.Transparent
4.a good sense of humour
5.spontaneous
6.friendly
7. always has something nice to say about even a total stranger;
8.always sees the good side of you and tolerates your ample flaws;
9.A great kisser
10.loves to cuddle;
11.doesn't sweat the small stuff;
12.doesn't hold grudges;
13.and always makes you feel good about yourself even when you are feeling ugly or boring.
There is a much longer list, but I decided much of it isn't quantifiable. With Lamont, one always knows he is honest and he never wiggles when he doesn't mean it.
Lamont in Mexico before sneaking across the border seeking opportunity and a better life
Now, on the flip side, one could argue Lamont has, in the convential sense, his demerits .
He is:
1.a poor conversationalist
2. short
3. unemployed
4. has terrible table manners
5. Does not have particularly good hygiene
6. appears to have little ambition in life
7. Is constantly broke
8. not a very good listener
9. And has four left feet.
So it is a bit of a conundrum. It doesn't look all that impressive on paper.
But those flaws are all out front and are universally accepted as worth it in the big picture of what Lamont offers. So far Lamont has refused to utter a word revealing his secret. But he lets me tag along and gain valuable field experience in the park or on the street.
Today we went to the market and stopped off at an outdoor café for an ice tea (me) and a bowl of water and scraps of potato chips under the table (Lamont). I watched as women of all ages, sizes and shapes smiled, and giggled, and winked and melted and blushed as they passed. Many stopped to say hi.
Lamont, being the suave operator he is, just continued being Lamont.
"He is so cute!" said one perky young woman in a sundress.
"He is," I replied, "And he seems to grab the attention of the most attractive woman passing by."
Alright, alright. I Am new at this. I will figure out the secrets of the Great Lamont.
And, besides, tonight I have him all to myself. ■