Lamont Overdoses on Dangerous Narcotics: Becomes Even Perkier
I regret to report that my pal, Lamont, has developed a taste for unauthorized, dangerous prescription narcotic pills. But what is far more alarming is, after the mutt tonight consumed quantities of dangerous controlled sedatives that would drop any average size adult human, they seem to have no whatsoever—or more precisely—the opposite effect on the 10 pound when wet mongrel.
Today has been a busy day, and I was pecking away on the computer well past Lamont's well known deadline for his taking me for my 5:00 PM walk in the park.
He did not let this criminal malfeasance of my duty go unnoticed, continuously whimpering by my side, jumping up on my computer keyboard disrupting my work, interrupted periodically by high pitched yelping in a successful attempt to distract and annoy me.
So, as 5:00 PM slipped into recent history, I ignored what exactly he was chewing on, on the rug by my feet, trying to finish the task of sending off a missive that would provide for paying for Lamont's considerably substantial budget for his near term foreseeable meals, cookies, and play toys.
I completed my work task, Lamont rushed to attach me to my leash, and trotted me at a considerably brisk pace to his Abraham Lincoln park, where he commenced to run at the speed of a professional football wide receiver round and round with his other canine pals for an hour.
We returned to Lamont's palatial villa, and Lamont bounded up the stairs demanding dinner. Now.
There on the living room floor were the remnants of a splintered narcotic prescription pill bottle, a few scattered blue pills on the rug. I bent over to inspect it. It was for the anti- anxiety sedative Xanax. The blue pills are one milligram each. There were exactly 6 and ½ pills I managed to gather from the floor. Before Lamont got a hold of them, I estimate there were at least 15 pills.
Which means, sometime between 4 and 5:30 PM, Lamont consumed somewhere between 7 and 7 ½ milligrams of Xanax.
This is an amount that would put any human in hospital emergency room immediately. If I, weighing approximately 20 times that of Lamont, ingested this amount of the controlled substance, Xanax, I would be, at best, asleep for several days.
"is a short-acting anxiolytic of the benzodiazepine class of psychoactive drugs" and "is commonly used and FDA approved for the medical treatment of panic disorder, and anxiety disorders, such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) or social anxiety disorder" and "possesses anxiolytic, sedative, hypnotic, skeletal muscle relaxant, anticonvulsant, and amnestic properties."
According to WEBMD, an internet site for medical professionals, "Ninety percent of peak benefits are achieved within the first hour (although onset may begin at 8-25 minutes of ingestion) of using either preparation for panic disorder, and full peak benefits are achieved in 1.5 and 1.6 hours respectively" and is "classified as a schedule IV controlled substance by the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA)."
It continues that "Like all central nervous system depressants" Xanax "in larger-than-normal doses can cause significant deterioration in alertness, combined with increased feelings of drowsiness, especially in those unaccustomed to the drug's effects. People driving or conducting activities that require vigilance should exercise caution in using" Xanax. Adverse effects are listed as "Disinhibition, Mania, Change in libido, Jaundice, Hallucinations, Dry mouth, Ataxia, slurred speech, Suicidal ideation, Urinary retention, Skin rash, respiratory depression, constipation, Anterograde amnesia and concentration problems, Drowsiness, dizziness, lightheadedness, fatigue, unsteadiness and impaired coordination, and vertigo."
Lamont seemed to have the exact opposite reaction to virtually every one of these side effects, despite having just iongested a massive overdose of the lethal narcotic.
In contrast, Lamont insisted on another walk.
Which we did. For an hour during which Lamont was, even by his standards, unspeakably perky and obnoxious, insisting on dragging me about sniffing, peeing, and leaping on anyone passing within reach of his leash.
My pal, Lamont, I think it can be concluded, is not normal. ■