Lamont Discovers Fire: Remains Unclear on Concept That Burning Wood are Not Play Toys

Lamont Diaries Continued: Lamont Discovers Fire: Remains Unclear on the Concept That Sticks on Fire are Not Play Toys

My Pal, Lamont, loves to chew on stuff.

Recently, I found that my entire supply of footwear no longer were useable as a means to protect my feet from the elements. Lamont had eaten them. All of them. I was temporarily reduced to wearing flip flops when venturing out of Lamont's villa, which he has agreed to allow me to stay in on the condition I abide by his rules.

Among other items that agree with Lamont's palate are intricate antique Burmese teakwood carvings; my lounge chair; whatever current book I am reading that the mutt has determined represents an unacceptable distraction from paying attention to him; My computer mouse (I am on my 3rd one); Electrical cords that are the lifeline to devices that he has determined deprive him of my obligatory job of paying full time attention to him; and various sundry balls, chew toys, and whatever I am eating at the time if I momentarily leave it unattended.

Lamont also insists on retrieving sticks found on the numerous jaunts he insists I accompany him along daily as his butler to attend to the retrieval of the byproducts of his seemingly endless appetite for his own food. Which is in addition to his helping himself to mine whenever left momentarily unattended.

But Lamont likes the most sticks of wood, which he retrieves daily on our outings and then proceeds to transform into a version of sawdust on my carpet or bed.

But now it is the start of winter. Lamont, being born in April, has never experienced cold before. This week, I started using the wood burning fireplace, which is vital to preventing me from freezing to death. But now I am having to juggle the very real option that it also is capable of being the source of my demise through burning to death.

When I lit the fireplace the first time a few days ago, Lamont was both remarkably curious and alarmed. He growled at this new phenomenon of fire. Then retreated to the bedroom, where he would poke his head out from the corner of the doorway and growl again at the burning logs in the living room fireplace. Soon, he became more bold and approached the fireplace with caution and purpose. For two days he never took his eyes off this new development in what Lamont considers his territory. He would sniff and stare and approach and sneer and growl.Then Lamont began to be increasingly comfortable with this new development. He began to chew on the wood logs stacked by the fireplace–logs that are considerably bigger than Lamont. I had a serious conversation and made clear this was not acceptable conduct. Lamont agreed to cease this behavior.

Today, I was minding my own business on my computer in the living room, the warmth of the fire crackling a few feet away. Lamont was laying on the rug between the fire and myself, staring intently.

All seemed well, until I looked over and was confronted with an alarming development. Lamont had retrieved a burning log from the fireplace and was eating the half of the 5 inch in diameter 16 inch in length piece of firewood. On the living room rug. The other half was fully alight. On the rug. Four feet from the fireplace. On the floor of my living room.

Leaping from my chair, I emitted a loud sound of protestation and Lamont fled to the bedroom. After extinguishing the fire with a portable fire extinguisher, I had a very long pointed conversation with the Mutt. He is now on the couch looking guilty.

This could be a very, very long winter. ■